I am Demisexual
I am an emotional fool. My emotional quotient is high. I am outrageously emotional about my feelings and how you feel about my feelings or not! I am basically demisexual.
Yeah, yeah…go on say it! Say that this woman is stuck up when it comes to using terminologies. You may even wonder from where does she get these words!! Oh, well, you know, INTERNET!
So I say I am demisexual.
Now, demisexual is basically an individual who cannot be involved with someone unless he/she has developed an emotional bond with the person. You know what I mean?
Wait, please don’t confuse it with asexual… what’s ASEXUAL? Well, will get to that maybe some other time. Now let’s focus on DEMISEXUAL.
A demisexual person first develops an emotional bond with a person and only then can they be sexually involved with the said person. Samjha?
So I was in school…
No actually. This didn’t dawn then…
I was in college. I had this major shift happening in some part of my brain. From being a coy girl I was turning to some sort of an overtly outgoing person. (By that I mean talking to boys because my pseudi sanskari school wouldn’t allow a girl to talk to a boy!)
But you see one cannot change what’s within. I was still the same emotional sanskari down to my souls. (Punny 🙃) And when this shift was happening I came across a bad boy in class. I was the good gal who never bunked classes and always topped college. So when the good looking bad boy requested a good, smart, nerdy chick like me to help him in studies I was head over heels and crushing on him big time.
Attention…now that never happened before. Big shift, you see?
So yeah…I began helping Mr. A in his studies and it was fun. He was smart and his grasping power was good. I would just translate things to him in our native language and there he was supplying more information. It was more of an interactive session than a study session. I was already secretly crushing on Mr. A without him realizing so. Soon Mr. A passed out literature literally with flying colors. And we stopped talking. He would come to college once in a while and we would exchange mere pleasantries. That was it. But something snapped when I was ill and wouldn’t make it to college. Mr. A called up and asked if he could come to see me at my home.
“I am fine,” I said.
“Yeah, but maybe I am not,” said he.
“I just need to see you, Sid!”
“See me? Maybe in college?”
“No, it’s now!”
“It’s very late already. It’s past 11.”
“Maybe tomorrow then? I know your house. Just 5 minutes would do.”
The next day came with a lot of trepidation. I wasn’t sure what this was all about. We sat in his car.
He smiled and looked at me with much affection. I was melting under his gaze like butter on a hot pan.
What was this about? Why is he looking at me that way?
“So, Sid, you okay now?”
“Yeah, recovering and better.”
“I missed you.”
That’s how loud the heartbeat is when it bangs against your ribcage!
“You did? But you never come to college!”
“I do come but not to attend lectures.”
“Oh? why is that now?”
Oye! Stupid Sid! He comes to see you!!!!!!
But, no, my mind wasn’t working that fast so 🤦
“Nothing, just hanging out with friends,”
“So, what brings you here?”
“I came to see you?”
“Yeah? Thank you so much. I am fine now.”
This is called controlling emotions with aplomb! 🤺
“Actually, I think I….”
Like meeeeeee? 💃
“Actually, I think…Sid….you know…”
“Sid, I need your help, Sid”
“You do what? With what? Wait what?”
“Sid, I know I am being selfish. You have already helped me so much but can you just…you know…since you are like the class rep and everything…can you just introduce me to Laree?”
💔 Big time! 😭
“You know Laree? She is the one who won the dance competition last week?”
“Really? Oh! I know. Fine, will talk about it in college.”
Emotions still under check. 🤺
I was hurt. But I was gonna cope because this wasn’t the first time this had happened. Anyway, so I introduced Laree to Mr. A. They began to chat and go out. I was not sure when was my heart gonna mend but it wasn’t going to be anytime soon. I began immersing myself in my books and library. That’s when I came across Mr. K.
Mr. K was tall, dashing and proverbially handsome. We often and always met in the library. He sat next to me at times. And we did exchange pleasantries whenever we met. He would pass me chits if he had to say something like “your specs is cool, where did you buy it from?” Or “that book is really helpful, do try out the other one also I suggested.” And I would reply in chits as well.
He was a year senior to me and from my department so he knew what I was looking for when in a particular section of the library. He would then promptly help me find the right book. It was miraculous because I could never do that all by myself! So Mr. K became a chap I liked meeting in the library. But that was it. Nothing more, nothing less. He was Mr. K, the library boy, to me. And so it came as a shocking surprise when Mr. K once passed me a chit, one fine day, that read, “Dinner tonight? Date at 8?”
Wasn’t that from Kal ho naa ho? “Date at 8?” So cliche!
But here I was nursing a rejection (which actually never happened but never mind) and so when this message came in, I thought, why not give it a shot!
Let me tell you, it wasn’t a rebound. Please don’t get at it!
So, the date was fixed for Sunday. A plush restaurant near college. I would tell my parents that I was out with my girlfriends and they’d believe.
I reached the restaurant on time. He was a few minutes too late.
I hate impunctual people! 😤
Brownie points down the bin?
Next up we began to chat about how SY was a little too strict when it came to a photography exhibition and how 70% attendance rule was good for bunkers. We also shared our thoughts over the stupid dress code our college had for girls.
“How come they allow skirts and not capris! It’s ridiculous!”
I know. It sure is.
And this went on as we chowed down Mangolian rice and Thai curry.
Once the bill arrived I was relieved thinking that I wouldn’t be doing it again. Not with him!
But I did! The second time was no different 😰
He blabbered and I listened.
By the time our third date came, I was determined to shoo him away. I mean I know I am being stupid, he is so good looking and all and he is even smart. But then….why don’t I like him? 🤷
I just didn’t have an answer to that. I had failed to develop any sort of feelings for him despite the three dates. He wasn’t what Mr. A was to me.
And that’s when it struck – my hand against his cheek!
The kiss was unexpected. He should have asked. It was a definite NO.
I didn’t enjoy it (the kiss I mean) and neither did I enjoy his company.
That was it!
We never saw each other ever again. No more wassup nods and handshakes. Nothing!
It wasn’t the difference of opinion and neither was it his fault (I guess). I know he should have asked and I did say sorry, later, for that slap but it just didn’t feel right. HE didn’t feel right!
Because I am demisexual.
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